The Great Squirrel Crisis of 04

[flummery]

So, a good three hours ago, I looked up to see what my cat was freaking out about and thought to myself: "Oh. A squirrel. In my living room. DEAR LORD LET ME BE ASLEEP AND DREAMING AND FOR THIS TO NOT BE REALLY HAPPENING." But once again, deciding to take up religion in a time of crisis failed me utterly. You would think the gods have something against people who only yell for them during earthquakes and tidal waves and squirrel attacks, or whatever.

So the squirrel was squashed up against the corner of my wall, which is also my ceiling. I live in an attic, and the roof slopes down and... is also the wall. At the corner, where it meets the floor, it turns out there is a very small hole I never noticed before. But the squirrel could not make it back *through* the hole, and was desperately looking for an escape route from my cat, who was extremely taken aback by the fact that another living animal was in his space. For years now, he's guarded me against the Wall Monsters. Animals which patter over our roof, using it as a nocturnal highway, enraging him. He has paced and stared and assured me that if ever a critter DARED set foot where he could just get his paws on it, it would be critter history. But, in point of fact, the biggest prey he's had to practice upon are... the bees and wasps who make it in, and whose dissected bodies I usually discover when I step on them.

At any rate, faced with an actual *squirrel*, he was not quite sure what the hell to do, and I, perhaps unfairly, assumed that in a pitched battle, the squirrel would declare victory. The three of us, Cat, Squirrel, and Human, jointly panicked. I ran for the cat. The cat backed up. The squirrel ran back and forth with such force that he pulled up an entire 4 foot section of my carpet. I grabbed the cat, who didn't want to leave, and fled the premises, yelling for... well, for the other cat.

The other cat (there are two others, in fact, but I wanted just the one) is named Spike, and is a mighty hunter. He brings home 1-2 dead squirrels a week. Or rather, he gnaws off their heads and... brings us the bodies. So I figured he was just the cat for the job. I ran downstairs to find him. I opened the door and Cat the Third, Belle, spotted the opening, and took the opportunity to run upstairs. She did this because my floor is known to her as the Land of Free Food, since my cat has food out all the time, while her People only feed her twice a day. By the time I returned with Spike, my landlord was following behind, and I had no less than three cats and one squirrel on the premises, all of whom wanted one another dead.

So what followed next... was confusing and scary and loud and didn't go all that well. I had to lock two of the three cats in separate rooms. Spike (or, you know, William the Bloody) cornered the squirrel in the heating unit, hauled it out, and flung it the length of my living room. My landlord attempted to corner it, and then there was a period of thumping around and yelling and I lost my nerve and fled downstairs, and at the end of it... neither Spike or my landlord had any idea where the now injured, probably dying, baby squirrel had disappeared to. I was not happy. I sat on the sofa, attempting to eat dinner, nerves jangling, with my cat. I imagined him slinking around the corners. Or dying horribly in my heating duct. I felt terrible, because he was so small, and there was as a result, some guilt involved. My two borrowed cats had returned downstairs.

Being me, of course, I got back online to nervously relate the harrowing events to my so-called friends. One of my so-called friends is so-called merryish.

Merry's first response? To assume I was imagining the entire thing and ask me if I had actually laid eyes upon the squirrel. Her second response?

Thank you, lord
That's even better than Thing 2 hallucinating a squirrel.
Love, Merry

Her third response?

"Is he a flying squirrel? Because, having a flying squirrel in your turret has to be at least a little related to having bats in your belfry."

Yeah, I'm not sure why I hang out with her either.

After about 45 minutes, a rustling began, and my cat tracked the noise to my turret (I'm in an attic! I actually have a turret!) doing the mighty-hunter tracking thing. I ran back down for assistance. My landlord returned. We moved almost every piece of my furniture, and then... we spotted him. Panic-stricken, and panting, (all of us, squirrel and humans, by that point) we finally got a good look at him.

And yes. He was. A flying squirrel.

Of course he was. (And yes, I can hear Merry laughing from here).

My assumption that he was a baby came from the fact that he was so much smaller than what I'm used to seeing in a squirrel. And his eyes were... incredibly creepy, actually, given how large they were with respect to the rest of his head. I thought I was seeing a mutant squirrel before my landlord identified him. For those who wish to see what we did: A flying squirrel photo.

There was then a whole lot more running around. Somehow, the running resulted in the flying squirrel ending up in my hallway. We closed off the downstairs, the living room, the bathroom, and I locked myself in the bedroom, and listened to my landlord thump up and down the stairs for about 25 straight minutes saying things like "He'll be getting tired ANY MINUTE NOW." And then, he swore to me he had trapped the squirrel in a box. We carefully got more cardboard out, slid the box onto the cardboard, and ran downstairs, and outside, and... no squirrel. We ran back up. An empty hallway. I was horrified at the possibility that somehow, he'd gotten back into the living room, or worse, into my bedroom, and that not only were we back at square one, but more likely, I would be sleeping with the squirrels. But we restarted the search of the hallway, and finally, with aid from the flashlight, I spotted him curled up in the toe of one of my boots, and shivering. So we got some socks, stuffed them into the top, took the boot downstairs, and let him flee to the great outdoors.

I may never wear that boot again.

I keep hearing noises in the walls now, even though I know there's nothing there.

This has done nothing to help with my pre-existing squirrel phobia, brought about by accidentally picking up one of Spike's headless corpses, because it was dark out, and I thought it was one of Belle's stuffed toys.

Yeah.

Comments

[rosawestphalen.livejournal.com]

{{{{gloms and hugs you tight}}}}} Poor, traumatized woman. Those squirrels are just waiting to take over the world. In case you doubt me, I give you Foamy who may or may not help with your squirrel phobia but is still somewhat funny, in a strange "Lord and Master" sort of way.
Hope you recover from your squirrelly encounter and are able to relax.

[flummery.livejournal.com]

I match you a Foamy, and raise you ScarySquirrel.org (http://www.scarysquirrel.org) which melina123 oh so helpfully directed me to last night... . Silence of the Squirrels is seriously creepy.

[melina123.livejournal.com]

I told you not to look at that part!

{{flummery}}

[falzalot.livejournal.com]

oh man, you poor thing! I'm not giggling! I'm not! Honest! :->

[flummery.livejournal.com]

Uh huh...

[jackiekjono.livejournal.com]

My own poor dear mother has been fighting a losing battle with the squirrels for the last three months. They have broken through one nylon screen and two aluminum ones.

After a while, she noticed that there were piles of bread crumbs being left outside her window. When asked her upstairs tenant said that she thought if she fed the squirrel it would stop trying to break in the window. She has not yet been evicted.

Mom's upstairs tenant has a beagle. She would not allow the beagle to come down and frighten the squirrel away because he ws afraid he might hurt the squirrel. Squirrels are God's creatures and she could not bear to see them harmed. She has still not been evicted.

Carol also sends much squirrel sympathy. The squirrels in Maine would get very upset with her family when they overstayed at the summer place. The squirrels wanted their house back.

[flummery.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. Maybe she just hasn't had a whole lot of experience with wildlife? They really are amazingly... capable? persistent? STEEL EATING? animals...

[jackiekjono.livejournal.com]

Conspiratorial? My friend's brother has been battling them for years - and they know it. Everybody can be out in the yard having a good time, normal as normal can be. Harvey comes out of the house and this strange noise fills the air. Eventually we all realize - IT'S THE SQUIRRELS - and they are laughing at him.

[movies-michelle.livejournal.com]

Very seriously not laughing. Really not. Not even a little.

That's terrible. I hope things are calmed down enough for you to sleep tonight.

Still not laughing.

[flummery.livejournal.com]

Well, I woke up to the sound of regular sized squirrels thumping around on the bedroom roof, and the cat frantically pacing them along the length of the wall, but I think it was normal squirrel activity, and that a regular squirrel would be too big to get in through that hole, until we can have it patched.... (to be fair, the cat probably wouldn't get that much exercise without the ceiling squirrels to track).

[billietallent.livejournal.com]

I'm trying desperately not to laugh. I'm sure it was a very traumatic experience.

I've got a friend that can't stand squirrels and she considers it a personal affront that over the past few years they've moved back into our city.

Geez, what is it with animals lately? You've got problems with confused flying squirrels, Stockholm, Sweden is having issues with drunken moose crashing through patio doors and bellyflopping into pools, and Canberra, Australia is dealing with dehydrated kangaroos wandering into the city looking for water.(Amazing, the things I learn when I skip class and end up reading the National Post:)

I'm starting to wonder if I should start looking more closely for signs of the Apocalypse. I mean, animals would sense it first, wouldn't they?

[flummery.livejournal.com]

Ack! The dehydrated kangaroos distress me, since I take it as just more proof of how we've screwed the environment up. But the moose are... a little odd. What did they get drunk *on*?!

Anhd it was. Very, very traumatic! Actually, I'm ashamed of how girly I went, with the fleeing and the shrieking, and my only defense is, um. That it had HUGE EYES, and also, flying squirrels can really, really, LEAP.

[billietallent.livejournal.com]

Well, the kangaroos are dehydrated because the area around Canberra(and possibly all of Australia, I don't know, it didn't specify) is having the biggest drought it's seen in years. It may indeed have something to do with enviro-messing, though.

The moose are drunk on fermented apples. This makes me laugh:)

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

::giggling helplessly::

I'm sorry. It's not funny. Except, the way you tell it, it totally is.

:-)

Remind me to tell you sometime about the several Rosh Hashanahs in a row (okay, two, but that's a pattern, right?) during which wild animals interrupted our festive meal. (First year, woodpecker flew down the chimney; second year, cat helpfully brought a live chipmunk inside...)

[ltlj.livejournal.com]

I'm not laughing either. Or, you know, smiling really big. Really.

[flummery.livejournal.com]

Alas, there is no sympathy! Tsk! Sure, in the bright light of DAY you can say he was just an innocent, terrified, cute little rare species of squirrel, and that I was an enormous wuss, and that he was more scared of me than I was of him, but that would be ignoring his enormous mutant eyes, insane leaping abilities, and, uh... scrabbling aptitude.

teenygozer has demanded to know why I hadn't take pictures. My boss greeted me with, "I can't believe you didn't videotape it! We could be the hit of the internet right now!"

If he hadn't voluntarily shoed himself, I'm pretty sure we'd still be chasing him up and down the stairs.

[katrimae.livejournal.com]

There, there. Pat, pat. I've had squirrels in the walls for a while so I know there's absolutely, positively nothing funny about it. That's why reading your post didn't once make me giggle, snort, or guffaw. Oh, sure, I might have smiled sympathetically once or twice but laughter? Nuh-uh. Not a bit. Not even the tiniest of snerks.

Really.

[tv-elf.livejournal.com]

A screw it, I giggled loud enough to worry my coworker. But that's only because I live under Squirrel Route 66.

[teenygozer.livejournal.com]

That just gets funnier every time I hear/read it.

Bob said, "OMIGOD, you mean the flying squirrel's range is all the way up here in Massachusetts?" so no sympathy there, he just got all scientific-like about it.

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm sorry you had to suffer through all this, but it makes a damned fine story. (:

[wickedwords.livejournal.com]

Several years ago, there was an article in the local paper about how grey squirrels had repopulated american lake, and what a wonder it was. In reality, my father-in-law made a habbit of setting out squirrel traps becasue he hated the things, but couldn't stand to kill them. So for decades, he would trap them and haul them in the back of his pickup down to American Lake, and set them free.

Only to have new squirrels move into his yard once again.

Squirrel population miracle? More like one man's squirrel vendetta...

[jackiekjono.livejournal.com]

your da can come visit my mom any time.

[the-shoshanna.livejournal.com]

Oh, lord. Poor you, and poor Riley, and poor squirrel -- and yet you tell it so well! I have to admit, I don't mind mice so much, but squirrels inside -- I'd have freaked too.

[klia.livejournal.com]

I shouldn't have read this entry, because it just about made me physically ill.

I *do not* understand why your first instinct was to kill the squirrel. A squirrel is a living thing, and has just as much right to exist as any other creature. The poor thing was already terrified because it had gotten in and couldn't find its way out. The best thing to do would've been to put on some oven mitts or thick gloves and grab the squirrel, or get it into a box, and take it outside. *Not* to let your cat corner and attack it.

I'm appalled that your cat kills 1-2 squirrels a week. Seriously. I don't understand how so many cat owners think it's cool to let their animals out to kill the creatures who actually *belong* there. I did wildlife rehab for a number of years, and it sickens me to remember the damage outdoor cats did to indigenous wildlife.

I'm sorry, I understand that you were freaked, but this is *so* not funny to me. In fact, I find it profoundly disturbing.

[merryish.livejournal.com]

Spike isn't Seah's cat - he's her landlord's cat. So she doesn't actually have any control over whether he's an inside cat or an outside cat, or what he does while he's out. Same with Belle.

Riley is hers, and he's an inside cat who can barely keep her bug population down, so he's not much of a threat.

I understand and respect your compassion for the squirrel, and I know Seah's also glad the little thing survived to infiltrate another day. But I'm also sympathetic with her need to *not* live with a wild animal in her home, and her unwillingness to risk disease (specifically, the possibility of rabies) to capture it on her own.

Honestly, the only creature in that apartment less equipped to deal with a rampaging wild rodent than Riley, was Seah. I can't blame her for calling in the cavalry on this one.

Turning the whole thing, which was probably really hard to deal with, into a story she can laugh at (and others, too) is just Seah's particular way of handling stress - and also her particular talent.

You should hear the one about the lady in the cheese shop... *g*

[klia.livejournal.com]

So she doesn't actually have any control over whether he's an inside cat or an outside cat, or what he does while he's out. Same with Belle.

I didn't realize Spike wasn't hers. I thought he'd been leaving her his kills, and most cats only do that for their own human. It's too bad that she has no control, because he's a menace. If he was a pit bull, going around killing neighborhood cats, or ripping the heads off pet rabbits, you'd bet someone other than the cats and bunnies would be screaming bloody murder. If that cat lived here, I'd call animal control.

But I'm also sympathetic with her need to *not* live with a wild animal in her home, and her unwillingness to risk disease (specifically, the possibility of rabies) to capture it on her own.

:shakes head: Okay, once and for all, squirrels do *not* carry rabies. Skunks, bats, foxes, coyotes, bobcats, raccoons and unvaccinated *cats* are possible sources, but not squirrels. Also, there are people who will gladly come to your home, humanely trap the animal, and release it elsewhere. Some wildlife rehabbers even handle that type of thing. I just think there are better options than siccing a cat on a defenseless squirrel which, I'm sorry, is just inhumane.

Turning the whole thing, which was probably really hard to deal with, into a story she can laugh at (and others, too) is just Seah's particular way of handling stress - and also her particular talent.

I absolutely *adore* Seah. *Adore* her. And I empathize, believe me. I know we all handle stress in different ways. I have a macabre sense of humor that a lot of people find off-putting, and very little bothers me in this way, really. I just *cannot* handle it when animals are neglected or abused, much less tortured and killed. I find it *incredibly* upsetting. That's why I can't work with animals anymore. And I really can't grasp how an animal being attacked and ripped to pieces can be seen as humorous. I've always thought of fox hunting as barbaric and inhumane, too. And I'm sorry, if that makes me a heinous bitch, well, so be it.

You should hear the one about the lady in the cheese shop... *g*

I'd much rather hear that one! :D

[thisisbone.livejournal.com]

klia, you probably don't want to read this one, either...
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8 duck and run space for klia!

When we moved in our house, it had a colony of flying squirrels living in it. They lived in the attic and used the walls as roadways and playgrounds. We would lie in bed at night and hear them scrabbling right behind our heads, and over the baby's crib. They stripped all of the insulation out of our attic and left piles of feces and discarded squirrel nibblies in the heating ducts, the water heater closet, and both sides of the attic.

We were finally able to get the construction gaps in our house closed and shut out the final two, after we dispatched six others in ways I won't describe in deference to tender sensibilities. We actually worked with a Wildlife Refuge expert, who was prone to taking home the varmints she evicted and re-introducing them to the wild, and she tried everything she could think of before finally recommending dispatching. They were wily, wily creatures, and we're pretty sure we dispatched the dumb ones and the smart ones were getting ready to breed again.

At the time we had a 14-month-old baby, and between the damage they had done, and my concern that eventually one of them was going to get into the house itself, and not just the walls, no way was I going to risk my floor-level kid to a panicked squirrel!

We still have a gray squirrel trying to chew his way into the bathroom, a chipmunk who managed to chomp his way into the outside wall by the utility room (we waited for him to leave and put chicken-wire over the hole), brown recluse spiders still have a claim on one side of the attic, and a woodpecker is driving himself crazy on my cypress siding.

All in all, I'm less an animal lover than I was two years ago. ;)