Stupid User Wars
Dec. 10th, 2003 12:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flummerySome days, I wonder. Self, I wonder, if you were to go head-to-head in a stupid user war with Katrimae, who would win? Many days, it's clearly Katrimae, whose library patrons should all be shipped off to their own, scary little country. Other days, it seems just as clear that if I had been keeping a log of this shit for the last few years, I could have written a book and I would be WEALTHY by now. WEALTHY, do you hear me?
This week, I feel the need to give out awards.
Award to the Customer Who is the Most Persistently Ignorant
This customer has recently purchased a nice little bed and breakfast. With the business, came a web hosting account with us. Now, she knows the account exists, and she's clearly had extensive conversations with the previous owners concerning it, but despite these conversations, she has been unable to glean any actual information that might, in any way, be useful. We've had several conversations by now. The first one began something like this.
IC: "Hi, my name is Ignorant Customer."
Me: "Hello, how can I help you?"
IC: I have an account with you."
Me: "Okay...."
IC: "I just purchased this business, and it came with a website with your company."
Me: "Okay, can you tell me the domain name?"
IC: "The what?"
Me: "The website address?"
IC: "...."
Me: "When you go to it in a web browser, what do you type in?"
IC: "I don't know. They said it came with a bunch of names, but I only know one."
Me: "Okay, so can you tell me that one name?"
IC: "No."
That one took a while. Her lack of knowledge was rivalled only by her belief that I should tutor her on every possible aspect of the Internet, right *now.* We went from what a url is, to how you know what your domain name is, to how you get a domain name, to what a registrar is, to knowing when we were going to call said registrar on her behalf to find out her information for her (NEVER), to teaching her HOW TO BUILD A WEBSITE, to explaining to her what html is, to wanting to know why she should pay us for building a website for her when she already pays for an account...
I wish I could say this was the only conversation we've had, but despite the fact that I spent an hour on the phone with her during that first call, she walked away from it with almost as little useful information as she'd actually started out with.
Today's conversation went like this:
IC: "Hi, this is IC. I need to change my password so I can have someone work on my website.
Me: "Okay, can you tell me your username?"
IC: (Tells me her domain name)
Me: "Okay, that's your domain name. Do you know your username?"
IC: "I just told it to you!"
Me: "A username and domain name are not the same thing. Hold on while I look up your username."
(I tell her her username.)
IC: "I never picked that!"
Me: "Well... but you purchased this account from someone else, right?"
IC: "Yes!"
Me: "Then the previous owner would have chosen that name, a long time ago."
IC: "Oh. So, what is the password?"
Me: "I can't look that up for you. You never got that from her? (I don't know why I'm bothering to ask, since, duh).
IC: "No. Let's pick another."
Me: "Okay, in order for me to change a username, I need to prove who is calling first, and that you're really the owner of the account. Can you answer any of these questions?"
She couldn't.
Me: "Okay, I have this phone number listed for the account. Is this correct, and are you at that number, so I can call you back there?"
It wasn't, and she wasn't.
Me: "Okay, there's a phone number for the company on the website. Are you at that number?"
She wasn't, but claimed her husband might be, and since he was listed as an owner, that would have been fine. I attempted a call to that number. No one answered, not even a machine, so I called her back.
Me: "No one is picking up."
IC: "Not even the machine?"
Me: "No."
IC: "He must have set it up incorrectly."
Me: "It doesn't really matter, since I needed to speak with him, not just leave a message."
IC: "Oh. So, can we change the password now?"
Me: "No, because I need to be sure I'm changing it with the owner's permission."
IC: "Can you change the password and send the new password to my email account, so you know it's me? My email is ic@hotmail.com"
I explain that *anyone* can own a hotmail account. The fact that you own one does not, in fact, prove your identity.
IC: "So how are you going to fix this for me?"
I explain to her that we can call her when she's at a number listed for the account, or she can fax us a username change on letterhead, with her signature. She's clearly not happy with these solutions, since neither of them can be performed *right this minute*. She says she'll fax me, and hangs up.
Then, she calls back.
IC: "I just tried our business number, and the answering machine does pick up."
Me: "I let it ring eight times, and it didn't pick up."
IC: "Well, I tried it, and it was fine. You should try it now."
Me: "Okay, I could call it back, but that wouldn't actually help. I need to be able to speak to your husband in order to verify that the password change can be made."
IC: "But the machine is working!"
Me: "But there's no one home to speak with, so it doesn't make a difference!"
IC: "I think you should call and see that it's working. We are a real business."
The Award to the Company Most determined to Stay in the 20th Century. Or Possibly, the 19th.
This next one I can't particularly blame on the poor end user who had to call me and ask for help. Although, I can blame him for not detailing how things worked at his company to begin with. He called to complain that although everyone in his company was receiving email just fine, no one could send anything out. We checked through all the basics on his computer, and in the logs on my side, without finding anything obvious. So I had him send me a test message, and it arrived just fine, with no problem. I decided next to have him send email to me at a yahoo address. To make it even easier, I sent email to the address he had just sent me email from, so he wouldn't have the chance to make any typos, all he would have to do was hit Reply.
Me: "Okay, I've just sent you a test message. I'd like you to check your email, and then reply to it."
Customer: "I can't check my email."
Me: "I thought you said that everyone was receiving mail fine, it was just sending that was the problem?"
Customer: "We're not allowed to check email here."
Me: "...."
Me: "I'm sorry?"
Customer: "The way it works is, there's a computer downstairs that checks for all the mail. Then they print out the email, and deliver it to our desks if it was addressed to us. So they can monitor us. We're only allowed to send mail out in reply."
Me: (Staring at a wall, somewhat vacantly) "So you're saying you've never actually checked email?"
Customer: "Right."
Me: "And when you say that incoming mail is fine..."
Customer: "I mean someone delivered a printout to my desk."
You know, in this day and age, if you have that level of deep-seated hatred and distrust of your own employees, there are better ways to monitor them. Use cameras! Spyware! Hide software on their computer to record their keystrokes! I can almost get behind these methods in favor of *printing out every single incoming email the company receives* and making your employees have to re-type anything they want to reply to!
What the hell is WRONG with these people?
Of course, the Absolute, All Time Winner, still goes to that guy who years ago, called up and shouted at us thusly:
"Hey! I had an account with you and I cancelled it!"
"Okay, are we still billing you? Is that the problem?"
"I don't know, I cancelled it earlier today!"
"Okay... so, how can we help you?"
"It's been hours now, and you still haven't removed your software from my computer!"
Wealthy. I'm telling you.
This week, I feel the need to give out awards.
Award to the Customer Who is the Most Persistently Ignorant
This customer has recently purchased a nice little bed and breakfast. With the business, came a web hosting account with us. Now, she knows the account exists, and she's clearly had extensive conversations with the previous owners concerning it, but despite these conversations, she has been unable to glean any actual information that might, in any way, be useful. We've had several conversations by now. The first one began something like this.
IC: "Hi, my name is Ignorant Customer."
Me: "Hello, how can I help you?"
IC: I have an account with you."
Me: "Okay...."
IC: "I just purchased this business, and it came with a website with your company."
Me: "Okay, can you tell me the domain name?"
IC: "The what?"
Me: "The website address?"
IC: "...."
Me: "When you go to it in a web browser, what do you type in?"
IC: "I don't know. They said it came with a bunch of names, but I only know one."
Me: "Okay, so can you tell me that one name?"
IC: "No."
That one took a while. Her lack of knowledge was rivalled only by her belief that I should tutor her on every possible aspect of the Internet, right *now.* We went from what a url is, to how you know what your domain name is, to how you get a domain name, to what a registrar is, to knowing when we were going to call said registrar on her behalf to find out her information for her (NEVER), to teaching her HOW TO BUILD A WEBSITE, to explaining to her what html is, to wanting to know why she should pay us for building a website for her when she already pays for an account...
I wish I could say this was the only conversation we've had, but despite the fact that I spent an hour on the phone with her during that first call, she walked away from it with almost as little useful information as she'd actually started out with.
Today's conversation went like this:
IC: "Hi, this is IC. I need to change my password so I can have someone work on my website.
Me: "Okay, can you tell me your username?"
IC: (Tells me her domain name)
Me: "Okay, that's your domain name. Do you know your username?"
IC: "I just told it to you!"
Me: "A username and domain name are not the same thing. Hold on while I look up your username."
(I tell her her username.)
IC: "I never picked that!"
Me: "Well... but you purchased this account from someone else, right?"
IC: "Yes!"
Me: "Then the previous owner would have chosen that name, a long time ago."
IC: "Oh. So, what is the password?"
Me: "I can't look that up for you. You never got that from her? (I don't know why I'm bothering to ask, since, duh).
IC: "No. Let's pick another."
Me: "Okay, in order for me to change a username, I need to prove who is calling first, and that you're really the owner of the account. Can you answer any of these questions?"
She couldn't.
Me: "Okay, I have this phone number listed for the account. Is this correct, and are you at that number, so I can call you back there?"
It wasn't, and she wasn't.
Me: "Okay, there's a phone number for the company on the website. Are you at that number?"
She wasn't, but claimed her husband might be, and since he was listed as an owner, that would have been fine. I attempted a call to that number. No one answered, not even a machine, so I called her back.
Me: "No one is picking up."
IC: "Not even the machine?"
Me: "No."
IC: "He must have set it up incorrectly."
Me: "It doesn't really matter, since I needed to speak with him, not just leave a message."
IC: "Oh. So, can we change the password now?"
Me: "No, because I need to be sure I'm changing it with the owner's permission."
IC: "Can you change the password and send the new password to my email account, so you know it's me? My email is ic@hotmail.com"
I explain that *anyone* can own a hotmail account. The fact that you own one does not, in fact, prove your identity.
IC: "So how are you going to fix this for me?"
I explain to her that we can call her when she's at a number listed for the account, or she can fax us a username change on letterhead, with her signature. She's clearly not happy with these solutions, since neither of them can be performed *right this minute*. She says she'll fax me, and hangs up.
Then, she calls back.
IC: "I just tried our business number, and the answering machine does pick up."
Me: "I let it ring eight times, and it didn't pick up."
IC: "Well, I tried it, and it was fine. You should try it now."
Me: "Okay, I could call it back, but that wouldn't actually help. I need to be able to speak to your husband in order to verify that the password change can be made."
IC: "But the machine is working!"
Me: "But there's no one home to speak with, so it doesn't make a difference!"
IC: "I think you should call and see that it's working. We are a real business."
The Award to the Company Most determined to Stay in the 20th Century. Or Possibly, the 19th.
This next one I can't particularly blame on the poor end user who had to call me and ask for help. Although, I can blame him for not detailing how things worked at his company to begin with. He called to complain that although everyone in his company was receiving email just fine, no one could send anything out. We checked through all the basics on his computer, and in the logs on my side, without finding anything obvious. So I had him send me a test message, and it arrived just fine, with no problem. I decided next to have him send email to me at a yahoo address. To make it even easier, I sent email to the address he had just sent me email from, so he wouldn't have the chance to make any typos, all he would have to do was hit Reply.
Me: "Okay, I've just sent you a test message. I'd like you to check your email, and then reply to it."
Customer: "I can't check my email."
Me: "I thought you said that everyone was receiving mail fine, it was just sending that was the problem?"
Customer: "We're not allowed to check email here."
Me: "...."
Me: "I'm sorry?"
Customer: "The way it works is, there's a computer downstairs that checks for all the mail. Then they print out the email, and deliver it to our desks if it was addressed to us. So they can monitor us. We're only allowed to send mail out in reply."
Me: (Staring at a wall, somewhat vacantly) "So you're saying you've never actually checked email?"
Customer: "Right."
Me: "And when you say that incoming mail is fine..."
Customer: "I mean someone delivered a printout to my desk."
You know, in this day and age, if you have that level of deep-seated hatred and distrust of your own employees, there are better ways to monitor them. Use cameras! Spyware! Hide software on their computer to record their keystrokes! I can almost get behind these methods in favor of *printing out every single incoming email the company receives* and making your employees have to re-type anything they want to reply to!
What the hell is WRONG with these people?
Of course, the Absolute, All Time Winner, still goes to that guy who years ago, called up and shouted at us thusly:
"Hey! I had an account with you and I cancelled it!"
"Okay, are we still billing you? Is that the problem?"
"I don't know, I cancelled it earlier today!"
"Okay... so, how can we help you?"
"It's been hours now, and you still haven't removed your software from my computer!"
Wealthy. I'm telling you.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-12-10 10:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-10 10:35 am (UTC)Okay, firstly, that company the guy worked for where they printed out all their employees' emails? Freaky! Also, kinda defeating one of the purposes of email, since it was supposed to cut down on all the paper in the workplace. I wouldn't want to see their desks.
And the guy who yelled at you for not taking your software off his computer is just...funny. I realize it's possible it was less funny at the time, since it's never fun to have someone yell at you. But still. *snicker*
And you might not be wealthy, but you have stories to tell at parties for the rest of your life...
no subject
Date: 2003-12-10 10:52 am (UTC)No, actually, that one was funny even at the time. We laughed about it for days. Possibly weeks. We're a mean-spirited bunch. Tech support does that to you.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-10 11:04 am (UTC)Oh, my god.
(imagine my best Vince Tyler impression)
no subject
Date: 2003-12-10 11:41 am (UTC)i'm so glad i don't work tech support anymore. the humor never quite made it worthwhile....
no subject
Date: 2003-12-10 12:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-10 12:51 pm (UTC)::: remembers doing tech support for modem mfr. in 1994 :::
::: flinches again :::
::: goes looking for chocolate :::
no subject
Date: 2003-12-10 01:52 pm (UTC)IC: "No."
Heh. Just when you think they can't possibly get any dumber, they up and surprise you. So, have you ever had anyone ask what the fee was for accessing overseas websites? I swear, one of these days I'll just ask for five bucks to see if they hand it over.
(And yes, the patrons have been wackier than usual lately. When I get home, I'll type up the Necronomicron request I got today....)